For those of you who are thinking of buying bonds, the US Treasury Department recently announced it will sell three types of new bonds:

The Al Gore Bond, which has no interest.

The Monica Lewinsky Bond, which has no maturity.

The Bill Clinton Bond, which has no principle.

While undressing for bed one night, Clinton notices something like a red rash around his penis. Alarmed, he thinks, "I can't let Hillary see this!", and makes a point of getting to his doctor at Bethesda Naval Hospital, the very next day.

"Doc," he says, "I've got this red ring around my, you know.

What is it, and how do I get rid of it?"

The doctor says, "Well, I'm not exactly sure what it is, but take these pills for a week, and see if that takes care of it. If not, come back and we'll try something else."

Bill takes the pills for the week, but unfortunately, the red ring is still there after 7 days. He goes back to his doctor and tells him the pills didn't help. So the doctor prescribes another medication, capsules this time, and gives him the same instructions. Take them for a week, and come back if it's not improved.

Bill takes the capsules for a week, and d@mn, the red ring is still there. So he goes back to his doctor and asks, "What next?"

The doctor gives him a cream in a tube this time. Rub this on every day for a week, and let me know.

Bill goes back in a week and says, "Great news, doc! The rash is gone! That stuff in the tube was wonderful! What was it?"

The doctor replied, "Lipstick remover".

Virus...

Clinton Virus:

Gives you a 7" hard drive with no memory.

(tongue in cheek, so to speak) ..

10.) Benito Mussolini -- Pizza

9.) Jimmy Carter -- Peanut Butter

8.) Ronald Reagan -- No Doz

7.) Jerry Ford -- Band Aids

6.) Richard Nixon -- Plumbing

5.) Lyndon Johnson -- Toilet Paper

4.) Bill Clinton -- Petroleum Jelly

3.) Bob Dole -- Viagra

2.) Dan Quayle -- Spell Check

and the Greatest Inventor of all...

1.) Al Gore -- The Internet!

10. "Read My Lips -- No New Interns"

9. "Reward Me For Putting Up With Bill's Crap For So Long"

8. "Isn't It Time You Were Disappointed By A Different Clinton?"

7. "Ask Not What Your Country Can Do For You, Ask How You Can Illegally Contribute To My Campaign"

6. "Vote For Me Or My Husband Will Nail Your Wife"

5. "You Give Me A Vote, I'll Get Vernon Jordan To Give You A Job"

4. "Still Not Indicted As Of Early '99!"

3. "From Perjury To Albany"

2. "Building A Bridge To The 21st Century, And Pushing My Husband Over It"

1. "Oh Lord, Please Don't Make Me Go Back To Arkansas"

Bill Clinton and Al Gore go into a local diner for lunch. As they read the menu the waitress comes over and asks Clinton, "You ready to order?" Clinton replies, "Yes, I'd like a quickie." "A quickie?!" the waitress replies. "Sir, given the current situation of your personal life I don't think that is a good idea. I'll come back when you are ready to order from the menu." She walks away. Gore leans over to Clinton and says, "It's pronounced Quiche."

Q. What do you call someone in the Clinton White House who is honest, ethical, intelligent, law abiding and truthful?

A. A tourist.

Read to the end. It just keeps getting better.

This is the Unofficial Worldwide Activities Thermometer, based on stereotypes and geographical generalizations by temperature.

AIR TEMPERATURES:

60 degrees - Californians put their sweaters on.

50 degrees - Miami residents turn on the heat.

45 degrees - Vermont residents go to outdoor concert.

40 degrees - You can see your breath, Californians shiver uncontrollably, Minnesotans go swimming.

35 degrees - Italians' cars don't start.

32 degrees - Water freezes. All men really are created equal.

30 degrees - You plan your vacation in Australia.

25 degrees - Ohio water freezes, Californians weep pitiably, Minnesotans eat ice cream, Canadians go swimming.

20 degrees - Politicians begin to talk about the homeless, New York City water freezes, Miami residents plan vacations farther south.

15 degrees - French cars don't start, cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you.

10 degrees - You need jumper cables to get the car going.

5 degrees - American cars don't start.

0 degrees - Alaskans put on T-shirts.

* 10 degrees - German cars don't start, eyes freeze shut when you step outside.

* 15 degrees - You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo, Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects, Miami residents cease to exist.

* 20 degrees - Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you, politicians actually do something about the homeless, Minnesotans shovel snow off roof.

* 25 degrees - Too cold to think, you need jumper cables to get the driver going.

* 30 degrees - You plan a two week hot bath, Swedish cars don't start.

* 40 degrees - Californians disappear, Minnesotans button top button, Canadians put on sweater, your car helps you plan your trip South.

* 50 degrees - Congressional hot air freezes, Alaskans close the bathroom window.

* 80 degrees - Polar bears move South, Green Bay Packer (and Buffalo Bills) fans order hot cocoa at the game.

* 90 degrees - Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets.

* 100 degrees - Hell freezes over, Bill Clinton admits he lied under oath.

As always, Hollywood is right on! A movie is in the making about the Clinton administration but the producers are having trouble deciding on a title. Here are the leading contenders:

* The Full Monica 

* Dumb and Dumber Two

* The Hoarse Whisperer

* Saving Clinton's Privates

* Apackolies Now

* Easy Liar

* The Lying King

* Free Willy

* Terms of Impeachment

* The Wizard of Odds

* Driving Miss Monica

* Tie Panic

* The Six Commandments

* Nightmare on Pennsylvania Avenue

* President on a Hot Tin Roof

* Red Faced in October

* The Me Lie Massacre

* Bedtime for Bubba

* Citizen Stain

Tommy Lee's.................Camp Kickachick

Monica Lewinsky's...........Camp Suckaweewee

President Clinton's.........Camp Getanookie

Ellen DeGeneres's...........Camp Lickacoochie

Kenneth Starr's.............Camp Catchacrook

O.J. Simpson's..............Camp Killachick

Lorena Bobbitt's............Camp Cutaweewee

Tonya Harding's.............Camp Clubaknee

Pamela Lee's................Camp Lottatatas

Michael Jackson's...........Camp Wannakiddie

Louis Farahkhan's...........Camp Killawhitey

Ted Kennedy's...............Camp Drinkaliter

Marv Albert's...............Camp Biteatittie

Gen. Schwatzkopf's..........Camp Killiraqi

Just in off the wire.

Test Results on Monica's Dress

Federal Bureau of Investigation

Crime Lab 2A-3356N, Wash DC

DNA Test Results: Clinton, William Jefferson

Dear Mr. Starr,

The test on the dress came back inconclusive.

Everyone in Arkansas has the same DNA.

Sorry,

FBI

inspired by Bill Clinton

Chunky Monkey

Double Nut Joy

Subpoenas 'n' Cream

Impeach-Mint

Candy Pants

Chocolate Chip Doughboy

Chilly Hillbilly

Draft-Dodging Pot-Smoking Intern-Nailing Raspberry Swirl

Vanilla

Pantsachio

Subpoena Colada

Biscuits 'n' Gravy

Horny Bubba Crunch

Arkansas Peach

Subpoena Butter Cup

Peppermint Fattie

Captain Cream

Fat Ass

Tubby Bubba

Hillary Chiller

Fundraising Coffee

Oval Office Surprise

Arkansas Smoothie

Hyperactive Nuts

Scandalberry

During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.

"Will I be acquitted?"

The difference:

George Washington- Could not tell a lie.

Richard Nixon- Cannot tell the truth

Bill Clinton- Doesn’t know the difference.

After insulting the female genie from the magic bottle, A man wishes "To wake up with 3 women in my bed." She says, "So be it!", and disappears

back into the bottle. Next morning, Carlos wakes up with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Hillary Clinton. His penis is gone, his leg is broken, and he has no health insurance.

From the law offices of Johnnie Cochrane, Esq., here are the top ten proposed closing arguments in the matter of United States v. William J. Clinton:

10. If the dress ain't a mess, he won't need to confess

9. The economy's great, let the White Boy skate

8. If the Bitch didn't spit, you must acquit

7. If she is not spread eagle, then it is not illegal

6. Lewinsky's a whore, and Bill's better than Gore

5. So he lied to the masses, he was just saving some asses

4. He cheats on his wife, but it's his personal life

3. Bill can't tell the truth 'til he sees Ken Starr's proof

2. Bill is not sleazy, Lewinsky's just easy

And the number one closing argument by Johnnie Cochrane:

1. If the sex is just oral, it's not really immoral

In honor of the president's speech, all local stores are having a sale - men's underwear half off!

As Air Force One prepares to land, the captain makes his customary request over the loudspeaker: "Mr. President, would you please return the stewardess to the upright position and prepare to land?"

Q : What's the difference between Clinton and a screwdriver?

A: A screwdriver turns in screws, Clinton screws interns!

Did you hear that Clinton has announced there is a new national bird?

The spread eagle

A reporter asked Clinton one day. "Was Monica lying?"

Clinton responded by saying. "No, she was on her knees."

Q: Why does Hillary want to have sex with Bill every day at 5 am?

A: She wants to make sure that she is the first lady.

The Spelling Bee...Dan Quayle, Frank Gifford and Bill Clinton were in a spelling contest. Unbelievably, Dan Quayle won! He was the only one of the three who knew that 'harass' was one word.

Q. How many White House Interns does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. None, they are too busy screwing the President.

Women in Washington DC were asked if they would have sex with the President.

86% said "Never again."

Clinton's team of advisors have offered the following defense.....Clinton NEVER told Lewinsky to lie in disposition! He told her to lie in THIS position.

Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and Bob Dole have in common?

A: They were both upset when Bill finished first. Get it, he FINISHED first!

Q: What is Bill's definition of safe sex?

A: When Hillary is out of town.

Q: What is the difference between Clinton and the Titanic?

A: Only 200 women went down on the Titanic.

Q: Why is Clinton so interested in events in the Middle East?

A: He thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar.

Al Gore, Bill Clinton and Bill Gates died and went to heaven to meet God.

God said to Al Gore, "What is your belief?". Gore replied, "I believe in the environment. I think a clean environment should be the first priority for the continuation of humanity." God said, "I like that idea. Come and sit here on my left." Then He said to Bill Clinton, "What is your belief?" Clinton said, "I believe in people. I think people should be empowered to affect their own lives and the lives of those around them God said, "I like that idea, too. Come and sit here on my right." Then He said to Bill Gates, "What is your belief?" Gates said, "I believe you're in my seat."

Reverend Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders. The President asked for a whiskey & soda, which was brought and placed before him.

The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink.The minister replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips!" 

The President then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a choice. I'll have the same thing he's having."

It is said that Bill Clinton is considering changing the Democratic Party emblem from a donkey to a condom because it stands for inflation, protects a bunch of pricks, halts production and gives a false sense of security while being screwed.