Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken, the Secret Service mobilized and descended on the area in force. When they got there, the wreckage was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed, with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm.

The Secret Service descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or the President's staff. To their amazement, a lone farmer was plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all had happened. They hurried over to surround the man's tractor.

"Sir," the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath, "did you see this terrible accident happen?"

"Yep. Sure did." The man muttered unconcernedly.

"Do you realize that is the airplane of the President of the United States?"

"Yep."

"Were there any survivors?" the agent gasped.

"Nope. They's all kilt straight out." The farmer sighed, cutting off his tractor motor. "I done buried them all myself. Took most of the morning."

"The President of the United States is DEAD?" the agent gulped in disbelief.

"Well," the farmer sighed, obviously wanting to get back to his work.

"He kept a-saying he wasn't ... but you know what a liar he is."

Bill Clinton dies and is on his way to Hell. At Hell's gates he meets the Devil. He tells Clinton that Hell is full, but that Clinton will be replacing one of the current inhabitants.

Clinton will be given the choice of who he will replace forever in Hell. Three doors appear before Clinton.

The first door opens. Behind it is Newt Gingrich. He's being forced to pound big rocks into little rocks. Upon seeing Newt in this predicament, Clinton cringes and says, "That looks painful. I don't think this is for me!"

The second door opens. Behind it is Ted Kennedy. He is bobbing for automobile parts in a large pool of dirty water. Grimacing at the filthy scene, Clinton says, "I don't think so."

The third door opens and behind it is Ken Starr. He's naked and bound hand and foot. Kneeling before him is Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. "I can handle that!" Clinton proclaims enthusiastically.

"Very well," says the Devil. "Monica, you may go."

A young gay man calls home and tells his Jewish mother that he has decided to go back into the closet because he has met a wonderful girl and they are going to be married. He tells his mother that he is sure she will be happier since he knows that his gay lifestyle has been very disturbing to her.

She responds that she is indeed delighted and asks tentatively, "I suppose it would be too much to hope that she would be Jewish?"

He tells her that not only is the girl Jewish, but is from a wealthy Beverly Hills family.

She admits she is overwhelmed by the news, and asks, "What is her name?"

He answers, "Monica Lewinsky."

There is a long pause, then his mother asks, "What happened to that nice Catholic boy you were dating last year?"

The President and Mrs. Clinton went to opening day of Baseball season.

Suddenly, just at the start of the game, Bill threw Hillary onto the

field. "No!" exclaimed the chief of staff, "You were supposed to

throw out the first PITCH!"

Let's see, Mr. Clinton, you are the president of the United States, of course, and your salary is - oh, dear - $200,000 a year. We recommend buying a house that costs no more than two and a half times your annual salary. That means you should be looking for something around $500,000, perhaps a nice brick rancher on a quarter of an acre, not too fancy a neighborhood? And I see here that you'll be out of a job in 16 months or so. What will you do then? Open a library. In Little Rock. Arkansas. Wow! I bet that will be some kind of moneymaker.

Mrs. Clinton, you're running for Senate, right? Senators are paid $130,000 a year - assuming, of course, you're elected - so even with your pension, you're still looking at a house in the $825,000 range. Maybe a nice center hall colonial where the schools aren't so good. Mrs. Clinton, you haven't worked outside the house since 1991, correct? But you did some volunteer work, I see. You came up with a plan to overhaul the entire national health care system? I see. It flopped, in other words. But I see you had several business ventures back in Arkansas. How about this Whitewater Development Corp.? It went bankrupt. And Madison Guaranty?

Bankrupt. And Castle Grande? Bankrupt, too. If you had gone to Yale business school instead of Yale law, you could probably get your money back.

Don't get upset. It was just a little joke. A little bad luck with the law, too, I see. Three of your business partners went to jail. Maybe you could get your money back.

This is embarrassing, I know, but we have to ask because it does, After all, affect your ability to pay: Any problems in your marriage? No? Fine.

Let's look at your assets: $1.5 million. Not bad. Yes, yes, Mr. Clinton, we're not forgetting your Mustang back in Little Rock. But - oh! – those liabilities.

You owe $5.5 million. That means you're $4 million in the hole. How do you expect to pay that off? You're hoping people will donate to a special fund? So basically you're relying on the charity of strangers.

You also have some serious expenses. A kid at Stanford has got to be setting you back $30,000 to $35,000 a year, probably more with the air fares. And she wants to go to medical school? Ouch!

And Mr. Clinton, there's a little matter of a $90,000 fine for lying In court. I guess that rules out putting your law degree to work. Say, how do we know you're not lying on your loan application? Good point. It would look a lot better if you were lying. Are there any other legal matters we should know about? You say you're in the clear, Mr. Clinton, and the first lady is pretty much in the clear, indictment-wise. What does that mean? You don't think she's going to get hit with a perjury or obstruction of justice rap. But we're not totally sure, right? That means there's a remote possibility - note that I say "remote" - that you could be trying to pay off a $1.76 million mortgage while making 12 cents an hour stitching mailbags for the feds, and he is trying to make a go of a library in Little Rock.

Let's review the situation. One of you is now unemployed and the other one soon will be. You have these whopping great debts that you're hoping someone is going to come along and pay. You have a financial history that can only be described as "checkered", plus a bunch of serious financial demands and ongoing legal problems. Your tangible assets seem to consist of an old Ford.

 So, Congratulations! Welcome to the EZBreeZee family of homeowners!

You've got your mortgage!

( Isn't that what happened when you applied for your mortgage? Don't all mortgage companies operate that way? Maybe you just got the wrong one....)

Hillary Clinton is rumored to be running for the Senate in New York. A new bumper sticker was made up and is being used by New Yorkers:

"Run, Hillary, Run"

Seems that Democratic New Yorkers are putting it on their back bumper and

Republican New Yorkers are putting it on their FRONT bumper....

If you voted for Clinton in the last election, you can't take a dump here. Your asshole is in Washington, DC

* Men's room Outback Steakhouse, Tacoma, Washington